You too can now become an EMO FAG..
Body: With the new Insta Emo kit will provide you with all the information
you will need on how to be "EMO". Yes, you too can be EMO! The popular
subkulture which has dominated the media and mtv. All too often one can tune into Total Request Live and see Jimmy Eat World rocking it. All you need is a little bit of bling, something to cry about, and a longing to be
different.
Attitude
* Philosophy on life? Philosophy, what's that? If you can think about why
you go through life depressed and unhappy, while pretending to be cool,
you're not emo. To be emo, you have to think with the crowd, not think for yourself.
* The height of achievement for an emo boy is to live to forty while mooching off his parents and clutching their inheritance. This will allow
the emo boy to go to emo concerts in the future and listen to the same old derivative music that got its start in the punk movement back in the 70's. Ah, we mean the 90's. If any emo music you listen to has its roots in anything before 1998, then you're old school and therefore not emo.
* Starting an emo band allows for an even bigger attitude. The following are the steps to starting an emo band:
1. You have to safely rip off the music of other emo bands you listen to.
Originality is not emo.
2. You have to pick a good name. Mineral, Knapsack, Braid, Chisel and Castor have all been taken, but an ordinary name is good. It implies emptiness and unhappiness. Even better, combine it with something nonsensical like bands such as Pedro the Lion, Texas is the Reason or Seven Storey Mountain.
3. To score it big, a name like Fork the Big Bear or Penciled Black Earth
Widgets might help you go platinum.
4. In the emo world there is no such as thing as being too ordinary, despite the fact that anything original wouldn't be emo. A common song like "Sucky Loser Girls" wouldn't work, but a better title like "She Says I'm Too Smart" or "No Friends - No Life: would be a hit.
* Perhaps the emo hit of 2002 will be "Short Fat Dweeb with a Right Hand
Girlfriend" It's catchy, it implies hoplelessness, and most importantly of
all, it corresponds to most emo kids.
o Guys: Write EMO love songs for your girlfriends. Write about how you miss the scent of her hair and her clam. EMO also really dig it when you give them a promise ring to symbolize your love. Just make sure it's not a 25 cent ring unless that's how you really feel. If you do not have a
girlfriend, then you should write a songs for your cat.
o Girls: Write your EMO boyfriend love letters about how every other guy you have dated in the past has not made you feel the way you feel when you're with him. Talk about the emo names for your unborn children: Dexter, Nathan, or Davie.
* The trick is to act as if you are completely impoverished. Sure your
parents make a considerable amount of bling bling each year, but act as if you cannot even afford a cup of water.
* Always walk slowly while looking at the ground, and speak in a light and painful voice whenever someone speaks to you. Always talk about your personal problems, and if you're truly emo, interject your personal problems with the lessons you found in your Jets to Brazil or Getup Kids lyrics from the CD you ripped off Kazaa because you are too poor to buy it yourself.
* In class, casually remark how prices are going up at the local thrift
store, and you can't seem to buy that pair of third or fourth hand greasy
tennis shoes on that shoestring budget of yours because you spend your money on bus fair and concert tickets so you can go see your favorite bands each month play the same music and take your money so they can produce more of the same stuff that you'll rip off Kazaa next year.
* In personal discussions, center your life around talking about how bad
your parents treated you, and how you've been through numerous fruitless relationships and are looking for an emo girl because she knows what you're going through. No personal discussions should concern anything positive, enlightening, or worst of all, happiness. Remember, if you're happy with your life, then you're not emo.
* Your AIM screen name or email address should consist of some dramatic or superfical word surrounded by X's. The X's denote that you are either straightedge or 'hardcore'. If you don't know what either of those two words mean, then just take our word on the fact that if you want to be emo, your online handle must be surrounded by X'x. Personal favorites: XXsobbingKittenXX or XXtooEmo4YOUxx
* Emotions are the key to being emo. Act like your kitten just died, and you don't have a damn friend in the whole wide world. When people ask you how you feel, then you should reply with the following adjectives: morose, empty, bitter, lost, aloof, distant, sad, heartbroken, or my personal favorite "I don't know how I'm feeling".
* To get away with pretending that your girlfriend dumped you and you're all depressed, an emo guy has to be short, chubby, and wear thick glasses to make the impression that he was dumped for a jock. It especially helps if you wear wristbands or mark your hands with an X like you're straightedge, not to mention getting your ears pierced so you can give the impression that she dumped you for a guy that's straight and a jock.
* If you've got a guitar, sit outside one day while everyone's going to
class and strum a lousy ballad while you whine about how your parents are cutting your allowance and you can't go to Wal-Mart anymore to spend money.
* As long as you project an air of coolness with your whiny depressive
attitude and those preppy clothes that you bought from the thrift store,
you're on your way to being an emo rockstar.
* Acting effeminate is all about being emo, since you're trying to find
yourself while recovering from being dumped. And since most emo guys are actually straight, you shouldn't fret that you're acting all gay when you're really aren't. Remember, being emo is all about looking cool. And even if you don't score a babe, you'll still meet lots of girls who want to have you as their best friend, giving you the impression that you have lots of girlfriends when in reality they just tell you their problems because they think you're gay.
Appearance. To obtain the perfect emo look you will need the following:
* Clothing
o Child's T-shirt - Usually containing a nostalgic cartoon program from the 70s or 80s. Make sure that you are underweight enough so that you will be able to fit into child's t-shirts. Show your inner despair by looking like you are too sad to eat. Obesity and emocity do NOT mix.
o Sweater vest - Stolen from father. If said father doesn't wear sweatervests, then steal one from a dad who does wears them.
o Black rimmed glasses - For the 'geek chic' look.
o Converse shoes - don't forget to write the name of your significant other on them.
o Tiny striped shirt - The best place to purchase striped EMO shirts is at
Wal-Mart. Just head into the young boy's section and you can usually find
them for about $5. If you're lucky enough to be spoiled, you can just head to the local ritzy mall and hit up the GAP or Banana Republic. Do not admit that you bought those shirts from there, but you will feel higher on the EMO social scale if you have the name brand.
* Body Mods
o Tattoos of stars - Notably nautical stars. You also need to get some
tattoos of cherries, sparrows, and a guitar.
o You must have at least one or two lip rings. Express your inner pain by
showing that you also have outer pain. Stretch your ear lobes to an ung odly gauge like 00 so you can buy the cool plugs with the nautical stars in them.
* Hair
o Greasy hair - Try avoid showering for 2 or 3 days.
o Dyed black hair - Should be floppy if you are male, teased huge if you are female.
* Transportation
o Emo kids like to drive something called a "Vespa" which is just an
expensive moped with a foreign name. You will not be emo until you buy one. However, if you're not FORTUNATE enough to buy a vespa, EMO kids usually like to drive Kia's, Hyundai's, or those old school Toyota Corollas.
* Accessories
o Like emo guys, emo girls should also wear wristbands, especially if
they're colored all sorts of happy colors. While it might confuse people as
to whether you're a raver, piercing your ears like 2983492 times and wearing babydoll shirts with "Unhappy Chick" written on them will eliminate confusion.
o If you're an emo girl and you look good, then you're doing something
wrong! Gaining a boatload of weight, or slimming down to the width of a
pencil will help you look like you're just not good enough to be happy with a significant other.
o You must own 3128912 guitars to give off that "I'm in a band" look. So
what if you can't play, you LOOK like you can.
o Carry around a poetry book and whenever you see your emo soulmate, read them the poem that you wrote for them.
Music:
If you're truly emo, then surely your library must consist of mp3's and
burned CD's of At the Drive-In, Chisel, Jets to Brazil, and for the daring,
Radiohead. You're not emo if you still listen to Sunny Day Real Estate or
Fugazi, because they're old school and you have to be new school to act cool and impress all those worthless friends who hate you anyway. In the golden pinnacle of an emo man's life is to live to forty while mooching off your parents and clutching their inheritance so you can go to emo concerts in the future and listen to the same old derivative music that
got its start in the punk movement back in the 70's. Uh oh, did I say the
70's? I mean the 90's. If any emo music you listen to has its roots in
anything before 1998, then you're old school and therefore not emo.
There is a plethora of emo/indie rock music out there. This site only
concentrates on the BEST emo bands ever. Fugazi? That's old school!
Blink 182 - Some people debate whether or not BLINK 182 is EMO or Punk. If you pay attention to their lyrics, you will find that they are indeed emo. Their songs are not about anarchy or fucking up the UK, they are whiney and don't make sense .. that means that they are emo.
Brandtson - isn't that a town in Missouri?
Dashboard Confessional - All I have to say is. WTF. Does he ever get the
girl? Probably not because he's a whiney emo fag.
Good Charlotte -they are emo -- but look goth/punk. If anything they just
have a nice aesthetic.
Jimmy Eat World - They are the ultimate EMO band. If you do not know that song 'In the Middle' then you are simply not EMO. Infact, everyone in the free world should know that song.
Juliana Theory - lets just say that no male band should have a woman's name in it.
New Found Glory - You have to love a band that does a cover of 'Back That Ass Up' by Juvenille.
Saves the Day - Could be good if A: it wasn't whiney. B: the lyrics made
sense C: See previous two reasons.
The Get up Kids - They got beat up by a nazi gang for being too whiney. Do I need to articulate?
Weezer - Classic emo, perhaps the founding fathers of EMO. They are
analogous to what Bauhaus is to goth.
Your band - all you need is a guitar and a drum machine... oh yes .. and
angst. Play your demo tapes for all your friends and watch them as they
pretend to care.
